I'm Now One of Those Rude People Who Talk During Movies

Not only that, but I'd like to be paid for it. I have become Rick of Ralph and Rick, ruthless riffers of rotten movies. Actually, it's only one movie so far, and it's not that bad as bad movies go. The Bat (1959) stars Vincent Price (The Fly, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine), Agnes Moorehead (Citizen Kane, Bewitched), and Darla Hood (The Little Rascals, and, uh, this), in a tale of fear and suspense that is almost completely devoid of fear or suspense. Our riffed version is available at RiffTrax. After you see it,you'll of course want to get your very own "The Bat" refrigerator magnet, postcard, or other exciting merchandise at Zazzle.

http://ralphandrick.com
http://www.rifftrax.com/iriffs/ralph-and-rick/ralph-and-rick-resent-bat-vod
http://zazzle.com/ralphandrick*

Knocking on Heaven's Door

Normally I'm not one to proselytize, but I assumed the missionary position for a video project that I wrote about in March, and here's the result for all to enjoy. I pop up four or five times before it's done.

Sock It to Me?

Here's a little something that was committed to video just a couple of weeks ago. But if you've been following the progress of the Bushland Multimedia Empire, you know the roots go back a few years. YouTube says "video quality may improve once processing is complete." We'll see.



And if you get the reference in the title of this post (complete with question mark), your pop-culture awareness runs deep - or you're just plain old.

Spare Change?

On Saturday I was a creepy online predator... scratch that. On Saturday, I portrayed a creepy online predator. Would you like more leering? Less leering? I asked the director. Don't worry about it, he said. The lighting is doing half the work. Great. Upstaged by a bulb.

On Sunday, I was slated to play a missionary, but an actor who was supposed to play a homeless man dropped out, so I ended up with both roles. So as I'm getting ready for my big panhandling moment, I hear the cameraman tell the director, "It looks like shit and we probably won't be able to use it, but let's just get it done." Always an encouraging thing for an actor to hear. Seems the lighting is either outshining me or dragging me down.

Then I rushed to the bathroom (no Star Waggon for me), washed the artificial dirt off my face, and attempted to shave off a five-day beard. I say "attempted" because I had made the mistake of buying cheap disposable razors for the occasion, not wanting to risk losing my regular razor. Instead, I ended up losing small pieces of my face. Thanks, Equaline, with your blades forged by Lucifer himself. With a closeup looming in my near future, I waited just long enough for the bleeding to stop before trying to conceal the damage with Cover Girl Clean Makeup 110 Natural Ivory. (Yes, I carry Cover Girl for such occasions. It's cheaper than Ben Nye.) Applying it to open wounds is probably not anything your doctor would recommend, but I was thinking more of short-term appearances than potential long-term damage.

After slicking down my hair and donning a fresh wardrobe, I looked in the mirror to see my collar conspicuously stained with a mixture of 110 and type A. What is that, light coral? Pale salmon? Whatever, it contrasted sharply with my powder blue shirt. Fortunately, I had a backup. So I rushed back to set, only to be told by the writer-star-producer that we wouldn't have time to get to my scene, so it had been cut.

I can't remember my exact choice of words, but apparently my reply convinced her to find time to shoot the scene after all. So with the sun setting behind the Hollywood Hills (or were those the San Gabriel Mountains?), we set up for the last shot. Just as the director was about to call action, the writer-star-producer hooked one of her stillettos on a poorly placed garden hose and tumbled down, hitting her knee on the sidewalk. As she lay writhing in pain, with a possible cracked patella or other disabling injury, I had one thought in mind: You really don't want to do this scene, do you?

But we did shoot the scene, and when I got home I gently washed off the makeup and applied Bag Balm to my wounds. (It's an ointment made for dairy farmers to use on their cows' udders, but it's been sort of a panacea in my family for generations and so far I haven't started lactating.) I still looked like I shaved with a wolverine, but I think I'll be OK. If not, maybe I can pass them off as dueling scars.

Kids!

As if I didn't feel old enough before, last weekend I was part of the judging committee for the improv event at a theater festival at a local college. Hundreds of high school students competed. The winners, Mira Costa High School Comedy Sportz, were quite impressive with their ability to think on their feet, their versatility, and their sheer enthusiasm. Overall, the energy level during the two-day festival was almost overpowering. Did I EVER have that much energy, I asked myself. (No, I answered.) At the beginning of the finals, as we were seated in front of the performance space and the spectators entered behind us, I felt like I was about to be crushed by a stampede of wildebeests -- screaming, giggling, wildebeests.

Sunday evening, my parents took me out for a belated birthday dinner. My father asked me how old I was now. I told him we should change the subject because I didn't think the answer would make any of us happy.

After the celebration, I received an e-mail from a student filmmaker I worked with last year. Apparently he needed a creepy old guy for a project he was working on, and I was the first person he thought of. Thanks, kid!

Coming to Terms

"Stuff for Actors" now has an extensive section on "Terminology for Actors," from "Act" to "Zed Card." OK, so "Zed Card" is more of a modeling term, but it's not easy to come up with things that start with Z. And yes, most of the entries past "Comedy" don't actually have definitions yet, but it's a beginning. There's also a selection of "Quotations for Actors."

Stuff for Actors

There's a new place on the Web for actors to find stuff: Stuff for Actors! Like what kind of stuff? Well, like articles about getting started as an actor, auditioning, and performing; useful links; book and DVD recommendations; and more. Check it out at http://stuffforactors.com.

(I might just happen to be the editor, but of course that didn't influence my recommendation.)

Vampire Hunter

Can't sleep. Just met Dracula. Real old-world gentleman he was. Not like those young punk vamps. Decabbagetated one of them in the hall without a second thought. Wait, should I have included a spoiler alert? The video hasn't come out yet. Never mind. Don't read this. It won't make sense anyway.

Hunting for Bargains

Today I was a shopper at a yard sale. I didn't find any great deals, but I did get to utter such memorable lines as "How much for the print?," and "How about the hat?" Sadly, "What are the tongs going for" got cut. And that was the reason I took the role! Well, no, actually I took the role because it was offered to me. But I had fun with it, and the producers thought I was funny. At least, that's what they told me. Of course, they probably like me because I work cheap. (See what I did there?)

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

It also flies when you're not. Has it really been since August that I've posted a blog entry? Either I've been too busy leading an exciting life filled with action and glamor, or I've been too overcome by ennui to compose more than a sentence or two. I'll leave it to you, Gentle Reader, to decide which is more likely. Any case, I plan to post much more frequently in the coming weeks (and how many defunct blogs have ended with similar statements)?

Hey, maybe I should try out this Twitter thing all the kids have been talking about. That's perfect for people who can't be bothered to compose more than a sentence or two, right?

Happy New Year!

Trilogy of Error

Remember that old movie in which Mickey Rooney tells Judy Garland, "My uncle has a barn - let's put on a show," leading to a spectacular musical revue with amazing scene changes, expensive costumes and expertly choreographed production numbers? Well, neither do I. I'm not that old. But if I did remember that movie, I might have thought of it this month when a filming location and a friend with equipment became available on the same weekend. With the chance to make my own short film staring me in the face, how could I refuse. In fact, to make the most of the opportunity, I decided to make three films that weekend. How hard could that be? Well, as actor, producer, casting director, craft services, prop master, and probably a few other things I'm forgetting, it turns out it could be pretty hard. Harder than just showing up and saying your lines - uh-oh, lines! Yes, even though I wrote the scripts, I had to find time to learn them, sometimes a few minutes before the camera started rolling. Instead of using brand-new original scripts, I adapted three sketches I had written for the stage a couple of years ago. I did this because I had already seen them enacted and new that they had gotten laughs, so that eliminated at least one source of anxiety. Also helping - making the whole thing possible, in fact - was my friend Arnie supplying and operating cameras, lights, and sound equipment. It was an exhausting, sometimes frustrating weekend, but it was a great educational experience too, in the sense of learning what not to do again. Of course performing was a lot of fun, but it was a different kind of thrill to hear my words - which had lain dormant on the page for quite a while - being brought to life by some rather talented actors. Now it's postproduction time, which brings a whole new set of challenges and rewards.

Returning to the Big Screen

A short film I'm in will be screening at Laemmle’s Sunset 5 as part of LA Shorts Fest '09. Returning is the story of a young man who was kidnapped and forced to work on a farm as a child and who is rescued and returned to his family 10 years later. Films screened at this event are eligible for Academy Award consideration. So should I rent the tux, or buy?

Upcoming Improv Shows

I've got two Saturday night improv shows coming up, so I'm not wasting any creativity on a clever headline. Here's the scoop (or is this two scoops?):

May 30: Domi & Friends
Improvisation Inundation member Dominique will be celebrating her birthday, but she won't be taking the night off. We'll be presenting a somewhat Domicentric version of our regular show, possibly with a higher alcohol content than usual.

June 13: A Very Merry Un-Birthday Show
Things return to normal, or as normal as we get, anyway.

Whichever show you plan to attend, reservations are strongly recommended. Contact me to book a table.

The Office
2106 North Tustin Ave.
Santa Ana, California

The entertainment starts at 7:30 and admission is $10. Be sure to let them know you're there for the show. Full meal and drink service are available before, during, and after.

Our Long National Nightmare Is Over

Improvisation Inundation is taking the stage again for the first time since 2008!

Saturday April 25
Show starts at 8 p.m., room open at 6 p.m.
The Office
2106 North Tustin Avenue
Santa Ana, Calif.
Admission: $10
E-mail me for reservations.

Springtime for Improv: April 25

Our five-month Christmas vacation is coming to a close. Improvisation Inundation will be back at The Office on Saturday April 25 at 8 p.m. Admission is $10 and full food and beverage service is available. If you haven't been to one of our shows before, you don't know what you're missing! If you have been to one, I promise we'll try to do better.

2106 North Tustin Ave., Santa Ana
714-834-0934

Do You Want to Play a Game?

I've written some articles on how to play some improv games: action replay, alphabet, emotional changes, late for work, limericks, lines from a hat, scene from a musical, and stand, sit, kneel. I just thought I'd let you know in case you wanted to, you know, maybe go read some of them and maybe, if you feel like it, click on a Google ad or two.

Bannon Strikes Back - Feb. 15

Major General Bannon will be making a special return appearance in the final episode of Tales of the Extraordinary: Mexico Strikes Back, recorded in front of a live audience* at The Spot (4455 Overland Ave., Culver City) on Sunday, Feb. 15.

"Tales of the Extraordinary" is a 1926 radio drama (except for the "1926," "radio," and "drama" parts). You'll be able to listen to the episode online in a few days, but you'll miss the opening musical performance by Windows to Sky as well as the backstage antics (which, there being no backstage, must perforce take place in the open).

Did I mention admission is free? Seating is limited, so arrive early. Coffee, tea, and food are available. The show starts at 7 p.m.


* The best kind!

For Your Information

It occurred to me yesterday that I've actually learned a thing or two about the business of show. Maybe even three things! It also occurred to me that these things might be of some value to others. So I decided to write some articles. My first one is about making a resume. If you find it useful or just want to something say nice about it, feel free to leave a public comment. If you hate it or have some constructive criticism, please feel free to let me know privately! When I add new articles, they'll show up here. Not here, here.

Keith for Sale: Free Shipping and Gift Wrapping Available

Ah, Bank Issues, a subject that hits close to home for me and many of my readers, or would, if I had many readers. As a bonus, this DVD includes The Magic Pie, and who doesn't like pie? (Pie sold separately.) That's more than five minutes of video! In color!! Available on Amazon.com.

Tale of an Extraordinary Evening

My friend Spenser told me she was performing in Tales of the Extraordinary tonight, so I said I would go see her. For those hypothetical readers who can't be bothered to click on a hyperlink, Tales is a podcast in the style of a 1920s radio serial, recorded in front of a live audience. When I got there, it turned out there was one actor to few or one part too many or something, and I found myself reading from a script I'd never seen before with a group of people most of whom I'd never seen before in front of another group of people I'd never seen before.Well, I'm used to that last part. It's called an audience. So now I'm a radio star! Except for the "star" part. And the "radio." Anyway, the episode with my contribution is supposed to go up this Friday at www.emptysea.net. It's "The Revenge of" something or other, episode 1.