The Long Halloween

Wow, it's been, like, two whole months since I blogged last. I feel bad for neglecting my throngs of loyal readers, but since it has been two freakin' years since the last time any of you commented, I think I can live with the guilt.

Speaking of living, my friend Spencer and I visited Hollywood Forever on Halloween Day and took a guided tour. We saw crypts and markers of Griffith J. Griffith, the Douglases Fairbanks, and lots more. It was a fascinating trip through L.A. history. Many people there were in costume, including us. I had a lab coat and a stethoscope and people kept asking me if I was a real doctor. I said yes, but it looked like I got there too late to help anyone. No one but me seemed to think that was at all funny. A few people told me I really looked like I could be a doctor and I should be on Grey's Anatomy. Of course, none of them have the ability to get me on Grey's Anatomy, so a lot of good their opinions do me.

Then we had some rockin' Thai food before heading over to a talent agency costume party in The House of Blues Foundation Room, where we were entertained by the rockin' blues of Devon Rowland and the Crazy Hearts.

That would been have great way finish to Halloween 2010, but in a sense it just keeps on going, because soon after that I was on location for a couple of scenes in Caesar and Otto's Deadly Xmas, reprising my role as the chief of police. This time I got to improv a little. I had the crew laughing, so at least I'm entertaining to someone. (It's a comedy - a very dark, bloody comedy.) I pulled double duty, standing in in one scene for the actor playing Psycho Santa, so it was a long, tiring day, but such is the life of an artiste du cinema.

And it goes on. I'm currently working on "riffing" City of the Dead (aka Horror Hotel) as half of Ralph and Rick. There's still some more writing to do, then of course it will have to be recorded and edited, so it will probably be out after the non-Halloween holidays.

Now You Can Listen to My Annoying Comments on Your TV!

Ralph and Rick resent... The Bat! is now available on DVD.

In addition to the bitingly comedic commentary, you get the option of listening to the bore-iginal audio track. Thrill to the original the-bat-rical trailer, chill to a bit of the old bat (a few scenes from the semi-classic 1926 silent version), and learn a little about the towering talents who brought you the 1959 thriller... The Bat! When he flies... someone dies! (Disclaimer: The Bat may not actually fly. You may not actually be thrilled.)

I'm Now One of Those Rude People Who Talk During Movies

Not only that, but I'd like to be paid for it. I have become Rick of Ralph and Rick, ruthless riffers of rotten movies. Actually, it's only one movie so far, and it's not that bad as bad movies go. The Bat (1959) stars Vincent Price (The Fly, Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine), Agnes Moorehead (Citizen Kane, Bewitched), and Darla Hood (The Little Rascals, and, uh, this), in a tale of fear and suspense that is almost completely devoid of fear or suspense. Our riffed version is available at RiffTrax. After you see it,you'll of course want to get your very own "The Bat" refrigerator magnet, postcard, or other exciting merchandise at Zazzle.

http://ralphandrick.com
http://www.rifftrax.com/iriffs/ralph-and-rick/ralph-and-rick-resent-bat-vod
http://zazzle.com/ralphandrick*

Knocking on Heaven's Door

Normally I'm not one to proselytize, but I assumed the missionary position for a video project that I wrote about in March, and here's the result for all to enjoy. I pop up four or five times before it's done.

Sock It to Me?

Here's a little something that was committed to video just a couple of weeks ago. But if you've been following the progress of the Bushland Multimedia Empire, you know the roots go back a few years. YouTube says "video quality may improve once processing is complete." We'll see.



And if you get the reference in the title of this post (complete with question mark), your pop-culture awareness runs deep - or you're just plain old.

Spare Change?

On Saturday I was a creepy online predator... scratch that. On Saturday, I portrayed a creepy online predator. Would you like more leering? Less leering? I asked the director. Don't worry about it, he said. The lighting is doing half the work. Great. Upstaged by a bulb.

On Sunday, I was slated to play a missionary, but an actor who was supposed to play a homeless man dropped out, so I ended up with both roles. So as I'm getting ready for my big panhandling moment, I hear the cameraman tell the director, "It looks like shit and we probably won't be able to use it, but let's just get it done." Always an encouraging thing for an actor to hear. Seems the lighting is either outshining me or dragging me down.

Then I rushed to the bathroom (no Star Waggon for me), washed the artificial dirt off my face, and attempted to shave off a five-day beard. I say "attempted" because I had made the mistake of buying cheap disposable razors for the occasion, not wanting to risk losing my regular razor. Instead, I ended up losing small pieces of my face. Thanks, Equaline, with your blades forged by Lucifer himself. With a closeup looming in my near future, I waited just long enough for the bleeding to stop before trying to conceal the damage with Cover Girl Clean Makeup 110 Natural Ivory. (Yes, I carry Cover Girl for such occasions. It's cheaper than Ben Nye.) Applying it to open wounds is probably not anything your doctor would recommend, but I was thinking more of short-term appearances than potential long-term damage.

After slicking down my hair and donning a fresh wardrobe, I looked in the mirror to see my collar conspicuously stained with a mixture of 110 and type A. What is that, light coral? Pale salmon? Whatever, it contrasted sharply with my powder blue shirt. Fortunately, I had a backup. So I rushed back to set, only to be told by the writer-star-producer that we wouldn't have time to get to my scene, so it had been cut.

I can't remember my exact choice of words, but apparently my reply convinced her to find time to shoot the scene after all. So with the sun setting behind the Hollywood Hills (or were those the San Gabriel Mountains?), we set up for the last shot. Just as the director was about to call action, the writer-star-producer hooked one of her stillettos on a poorly placed garden hose and tumbled down, hitting her knee on the sidewalk. As she lay writhing in pain, with a possible cracked patella or other disabling injury, I had one thought in mind: You really don't want to do this scene, do you?

But we did shoot the scene, and when I got home I gently washed off the makeup and applied Bag Balm to my wounds. (It's an ointment made for dairy farmers to use on their cows' udders, but it's been sort of a panacea in my family for generations and so far I haven't started lactating.) I still looked like I shaved with a wolverine, but I think I'll be OK. If not, maybe I can pass them off as dueling scars.

Kids!

As if I didn't feel old enough before, last weekend I was part of the judging committee for the improv event at a theater festival at a local college. Hundreds of high school students competed. The winners, Mira Costa High School Comedy Sportz, were quite impressive with their ability to think on their feet, their versatility, and their sheer enthusiasm. Overall, the energy level during the two-day festival was almost overpowering. Did I EVER have that much energy, I asked myself. (No, I answered.) At the beginning of the finals, as we were seated in front of the performance space and the spectators entered behind us, I felt like I was about to be crushed by a stampede of wildebeests -- screaming, giggling, wildebeests.

Sunday evening, my parents took me out for a belated birthday dinner. My father asked me how old I was now. I told him we should change the subject because I didn't think the answer would make any of us happy.

After the celebration, I received an e-mail from a student filmmaker I worked with last year. Apparently he needed a creepy old guy for a project he was working on, and I was the first person he thought of. Thanks, kid!

Coming to Terms

"Stuff for Actors" now has an extensive section on "Terminology for Actors," from "Act" to "Zed Card." OK, so "Zed Card" is more of a modeling term, but it's not easy to come up with things that start with Z. And yes, most of the entries past "Comedy" don't actually have definitions yet, but it's a beginning. There's also a selection of "Quotations for Actors."

Stuff for Actors

There's a new place on the Web for actors to find stuff: Stuff for Actors! Like what kind of stuff? Well, like articles about getting started as an actor, auditioning, and performing; useful links; book and DVD recommendations; and more. Check it out at http://stuffforactors.com.

(I might just happen to be the editor, but of course that didn't influence my recommendation.)

Vampire Hunter

Can't sleep. Just met Dracula. Real old-world gentleman he was. Not like those young punk vamps. Decabbagetated one of them in the hall without a second thought. Wait, should I have included a spoiler alert? The video hasn't come out yet. Never mind. Don't read this. It won't make sense anyway.

Hunting for Bargains

Today I was a shopper at a yard sale. I didn't find any great deals, but I did get to utter such memorable lines as "How much for the print?," and "How about the hat?" Sadly, "What are the tongs going for" got cut. And that was the reason I took the role! Well, no, actually I took the role because it was offered to me. But I had fun with it, and the producers thought I was funny. At least, that's what they told me. Of course, they probably like me because I work cheap. (See what I did there?)